So of course, now that I finally have time to blog, I can’t think of anything to say. Such is life. But I felt like blogging anyway, so here goes.
Actually, I’m going to discuss my lack of things to say. The longer I’m at home, the more I feel like my personality is draining away. Many of you know that my mom has a somewhat controlling nature, as well as a temper. Although I’m sure she means well, that doesn’t make it any more tolerable. I’ve spent so much energy into being what she wants me to be, that I don’t have much idea of who I am. (Hence the quote that’s the title of the post).
I’m not sure what I can do to work on this while I’m here at home. I’ve already tried discussing this with her in a non-judgmental way, but all that did was make her angry. I suggested family therapy to my dad, but my mom’s been sick and/or busy ever since I got home in December, so we haven’t brought it up. Or maybe we’re just scared to. Either way, I’m not overly optimistic about anything changing. So I’m thinking I’ll have to work on other ways of improving my mental health.
So much of my focus is on trying to make my mother happy. Mostly this means agreeing with whatever she says (whether I actually do or not) and doing whatever she wants me to do. I want to “honor my parents”, but I think I’ve gone to extremes and become codependent. Even on fairly impersonal matters, I’m unwilling to openly disagree with her. The other day, we were discussing Chuck Hagel’s confirmation as Defense Secretary, and she commented that she wasn’t going to be proud to claim him as a fellow Nebraskan, and I couldn’t even say that I thought it was nice to have someone who’s served as an enlisted soldier (not an officer) in the position.
At least spring break is coming up in a couple weeks. My parents will be gone for the first half, and I’ll be in Kirksville for the second half, so hopefully that’ll be the much-needed vacation I’m hoping it will be. After that, it will only be a couple months until the summer, when I’ll hopefully be able to get an internship or something outside of the Cedar Rapids/Marion area. If not, I’ll settle for any job I can get, the more hours the better. And even if the worst case scenario happens, August 22nd (the day Truman starts classes) is only 170 days away!
*If you know my mother, please don’t mention any of this to her, of course, or the fact that I even have a blog.